Death before Life

night, dark night, cloudless night, starless night, small moon, moon in dark sky, death, life[An excerpt from  Nine Year Pregnancy by Delana H. Stewart.]

Years of persevering in prayer, waiting for God to answer, waiting for Him to fulfill a dream, I reached a point where the dream had to die. At that time, I sincerely thought that the dream died, the door closed forever, never to be opened again. But, the story did not end there; like a seed it fell into the ground dead, in order to spring forth and bloom. The dead of winter had come before the new life of spring.

God had shown me that I needed to choose.  Continuing to serve my desire and allowing it to consume me hindered my prayer life.  The sin of idolizing my dream kept His presence and His power from being what He wanted it to be in my life.  I could not go on without a fervent, powerful, unhindered prayer life with my Lord.  I did not need a daughter, but I would suffer greatly if my prayer life remained hindered.

I decided right then to pack up all the “treasures” that I had set aside for a daughter, all the reminders of my desire. I had been keeping an adoption story diary in which I had written thoughts during the journey, a diary that I had one day intended on giving to my daughter. I wrote one final entry in that book to be packed with those other items.  This is what I had written–

Today, I surrender my desire for a daughter to God. I need God, my Father.  I need His warm embrace. I need to know He is near. I need to know that He hears me. I trust He knows what is best for me. I will no longer seek adoption.  My desire for a daughter became so great that it became for me an idol. I only serve the Mighty God. His love for me is great! I cannot bear His discipline. I need Him to hear me. I pray that as He has asked me to lay down my desire for a daughter, that He will remove all longings for a daughter from my heart and fill up the void space with His love. It is hard to let this go, as it has been a prayer journey and a part of my life for many years. Today, this part of me is being removed, cut off, pruned by the Master Gardener to make room for more of God, more of His power, more of His love and Presence in my life.

That was the darkness before the dawn.

If you want to hear more about our decade-long journey of waiting on God, experiencing death of a vision and seeing Him fulfill our dream for a daughter, watch for the coming release of our story in spring 2012. While you are waiting, check out the book’s blog at and visit us on Facebook. Be sure and click the Like button and share these links with friends.

If you want to read more about our season of waiting, click here:


6 thoughts on “Death before Life

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